The Girl Inside

I wonder sometimes: What am I up to sexually? which is not the same question as What am I up for sexually? I no longer masturbate as I once did which was to dress a little, fantazize a little get myself worked up to a point back off back up ... off... save some really exciting story or pictures or thought.. and go up up up.... wheeeeee! I lost the motivation somewhere and just don't do it anymore. I thought for a time that I perhaps suffered from anhedonia.. but my hedonia is perfect now, but i just don't like having one of those things protruding with my fingers all over it and attached to me..i mean dare i say it.. yuck.

It has been years that except when explicitly male mode,

As explained a couple of years ago in my diary

Regarding other aspects… I am practicing a bandha that I think enhances
meditation but I don’t recommend it for you boychicks at home. The penis
is pulled back so that the head fits between the buttocks, the testicles
are taken up into the body cavity, and tight panties are worn so that the front
looks girlish and the position of the penis is secure.. Practice for
days.. May enhance the nada.. who knows

.that i wear my tight panties with my "junk" tucked away, and my panty gusset showing just the slightest swelling, oh joy. then I am happy to touch that..rubbing along the front with just one finger. but it is so sad not to have a vagina, and be able to slip those hungry fingers inside. All you girls out there ...lucky lucky!! but as i rub my poor impenetrable panty gusset, and move my happy fingers back and back, finally I can fell my little clitty nub, so sensitive! Makes me go ohh! makes me squeeze my thighs together without thinking. Makes me want to squeeze myself. and definitely push my my breasts together, encased as they so often are in my satin bra.. my black satin bra!

Imagine me with titties, little firm slightly sore, and oh so trembling titties! pushing at them. just tippy touching the satin that surrounds them. It feels so right to wear a bra when you have little titties. And now I just squeeze and circle with my fingers circle and circle avoid the nipples. and there is such a rush of feeling and such warmth down inside your panties, but not like a boy would feel.

And then let the sounds come out of you, the sound of feminine passion oh a little moan, and can you stand it.. can you really stand it.. because you are going to have to do it.. you must. both fingers simultaneously touch them the little hard hard nubs.. touch your nipples and they are so hard, and well it makes you sigh a sustained moan as it is there a feeling in the vaginal area and spreading over the loins and in the breasts and up the spine and warm in the back of neck... and you let go.

Any girls out there could tell me if I am on the road to a real female orgasm.. tell me tell me.. it doesn't climax and it can be revisited over and over.

Any scholars can tell me if this would disrupt practice of brahmacarya for purposes of increasing prana and attaining higher spiritual states?

I think that all of one's existence can be integrated into spiritual life, where there is love there is light.