Standing in the Shadows

Who knows what lurks in the heart?

A long time without posting but for an old girl, I have been managing to stay pretty busy.

I hope to post more regularly in the month's coming to explore the mysteries of gender and desire. This is a short post which merely presents a felicitous and rare event. I believe I managed to capture my Jungian shadow on a purely digital medium without Kirlian or other exotic technologies, simply a Canon Powershot. That saucy maid could only be me and yet surely not me.

i wish i were in love again

Or do i?

In recent times, I have taken up a number of relationships in the context of being trans, and particularly in the context of being kinky trans. So at the current time, I belong to a poly family which means I am submissive to a dominant lady, and a dominant Tgirl. These are sort of casual relationships, which involve sex in the form of play. I should like to talk about poly, in the coming weeks since poly is very interesting, and in polyland polypeople have a whole lot of different ideas about love. Related to the poly is the sissygurl that i introduced into the family. Now she is someone that i have more of a traditional relationship with, if your idea of traditional is a bunch of boys who act like girls. That is a relationship worthy of a posting as well, so I will do that in the weeks to come as well. It is my second such relationship, and having a boyfriend, even if the boy is a trans, is something that i still have some trouble understanding, because i was never gay, and hardly bi, and now in my dotage, I haven't had a girlfriend in a while, and I have slept with a number of gurlz, who i tend to enjoy the way girls enjoy boys. Well if i say anymore, i will blush! so i will save that for a later entry. Finally, i have a bit of a vanilla relationship with a woman who i recently went on vacation with, and what is it that is so familiar? Oh right, she is my ex-wife, and I live with her! but recently we have been moving towards trying out some sexual play which we have avoided, but that is for later too.

The key is that none of these relationships is the sense of the song.

There are no sleepless nights, no endless fights, though perhaps the faint aroma of performing seals at times.

so i realize in deep in my poor bruised psyche, i wish i were a girl of an earlier generation, a femme frilly girl when it wasn't a retro choice, or a pastime. and if i were, a girl of my mother's generation, then surely i would love to hear Frank Sinatra sing I Wish I Were in Love Again.

But there is wisdom seeing the young lovers, chasing shadows, chasing tail, chasing their own tails, it is easy to feel sorry for them. I have wisdom, and know the limitations of earthly desire, or am i simply old. and did i mention that one of my relationships is with one of those poor young shadow chasers?

Lets Play. Did Anyone Bring a Ball?

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.... Well maybe.. but I kind of think it is something else. Perhaps an urgency... an inflation, followed by a twitch, a suddenness. Something bottled, something trapped, looking for a path. senses narrowed, and narrowing oneself, coming to a point, a pinnacle, a pulsation, Thar She blows! I never really fit into it, my wagging puppy dog tail. No urgency...

Just the facts... masturbation to completion... 17 ? 18? opening the hydrant on a summers night, getting your honey all wet and wild? 22.

Yikes! how many honeys had there been by then? patient girls... bless them all. So... hmm not a normal boy... but strictly heterosexual in his panties, and a good thing too, because it wouldn't do really, I mean it was frowned upon. Except the summer everyone turned gay in old new york. but not moi... no fantasies.. no urgency in that way.

Sugar and spice... well hardly... it is more an expansion than a narrowing... more zones, better zones... and witnessing an urgency being a source of urgency... playing with it... touching it.. tasting it, enclosing it. and this well certainly not a normal girl. realizing the sensations in my nipples... 30+... and the rest...well... really it is more like last week,

so it is a parlour trick really... see the hair grow!, see the chest grow! and making things disappear! where did that pesky puppy dog tail go? And who misplaced the balls. Now how are we going to play? I hate that when a girl says that. Don't you?

But more and more I realize she has a point.

Among the Leather People II

I spent a weekend among the leather people. It was in some ways amazing to go to a big event with my dominant lady friend, who helped me dress like a um mature gothic schoolgirl slut, and i the only tranny in sight. oh well. The leather people were as always friendly and polite. A learning experience for me, part of the exploratorium. Some of the things that went on...well ..honey i saw some crazy shit! I mean.. fire play.. what does one make of that? Well first you need the key as was explained to me at the event.. When we say play we mean pain. OH! Why didn't you say so? Fire pain.. well of course. moving hot fiery thing up and down some willing souls naked body. removes all the hair.. better than a bikini wax. Of course it does seem to turn you a little pink. No fire play for belinda dears and no needle play and i dont' anticipate any electro play..though I maybe could be convinced otherwise. Of course there was lots of lovely bondage and sensual spanking, and some sexy flogging, and some carnal caning. Now that I can understand! especially with your panties pulled down or right off, and in front of everyone! so many eager onlookers. I mean there has to be some consequence for misbehavior..or is that a cause for misbehavior?

Driving home at the end of the multiday event, i experienced opthalmic migraine. That is whirlygigs and zigglyzags in sight, and entopic.. (they move with your eye).. I thought perhaps some brain event on the horizon, and was glad that the shadow of mortality didn't cause me to panic. It ends one day, and we don't get to pick which, (unless we are very naughty). Same for everyone. My goal is to encounter that single day event with calm and acceptance. But anyway opthalmic migraine as the new crutch (see previous post) iphone informed me is common and benign in almost all cases,, and is particularly common among the feminine persuasion and linked to hormonal cycles.. (see previous post) Oh Joy! I must to bed, i have the vapors!

So there is still plenty of time to learn if not to grow.