Imaginary Vagina II

In meditation, I frequently imagine my form as female rather than male. The prana rises through the nadas. The external form is illusory, the subtle body seems to me female. prana drawn in through the yoni. rising up penetrating the chakras..resting between the brows. I can do that now. It feels so real, prana entering through the gate of creation, the gate of maya. Sometimes I imagine myself one of 16 naked in a circle fingers touching. our breasts heaving under the cold clear moonlight, candra. Uduvasini, goddess, tripura saundari. moving clockwise, in the circle, dancing, and rising as we dance.. drawn by the rasa of Durga summoning the nityas, paricarinis. lighter dancing, and now corkscrewing and rising.. rising in the air... cool, filled with chilled light, slowly rising like heavy smoke. Up and up.. returning to Ambika, to Mahadevi

ka a e la hrim, ha sa ka ha la hrim. sa ka la hrim!

Imaginary Vagina

So who else has one? I know you are out there. You crazy Autogynephiliacs! For me the illusion is produced by tight tight panties, worn over carefully tucked male parts. Mine tuck real good because I have been doing it for years, so my poor little tessies, well they stay up north for a long time even when released from their cruel bondage! Well not so cruel really since the result is a very secure and complete feeling that I have a lovely lovely pussy, and not one of those nasty cocks. i mean you can touch around it, and opening and closing your legs the illusion is complete. I realize that this puts me !gasp! close to you know those gender dysphoric transexuals, some of whom I have met, who seem to suffer so much, and make radical choices and.. well I .. i just don't feel that way except for my IV.. for the love of IV! IV! The Mama's and Papa's knew.
So having one, I just love to touch myself..sometimes, but of course touching can reveal the shortcomings of an imaginary vagina. But usually even if I dont touch myself or maybe just touch my so so sensitive breasts, then there is such a powerful illusion, feeling it get all warm and sensitive.
I always sleep with my Imaginary Vagina, even when being a guy all day and night. I have even gotten all kinky and imagined.. lying in bed that I have a penis. trying to imagine it getting big and hard. But I don't do that very often. But I have come a long way from a happy cock pulling panty fetishist. I was so ashamed. But what is the shame in imagining you have a lovely lovely vagina. So why haven't I ever told anyone except you dear reader. Wouldn't you love to touch it? I bet you would.

Among the Leather People

Attended a picnic today. Me in a sort of semi-drag, since I wasn't going to know hardly anyone, and anyway it was raining, I mean at this point around here, we are well past the cats and dogs and moving into Biblical territory. Some soggy judgement has been rendered. This was a barbeque hosted and attended by leather people. That is my term, not everyone was wearing leather. In fact no one was. It is all about scenes discussed and play anticipated. Pony play, cane play, fire play, knife play, The plays the thing, Doms and Dommes and subs. I guess I expected more overt scenes. This was a munch and a barbecue so it was largely a bunch of men and women in shorts or jeans, sharing food, little liquor with one painted nails and face, ancient androgyne wandering among them. The frisson of dominance and submission was submerged in this cosy gathering of friends. What can I say? While I am just short of horrified by some of the things that consenting adults at that barbecue do to each other, I am enamored of Mistress and sissy play, and I was hoping that the two yellow ribboned pigtails in my gray mane, might cause one of the Ladies present spontaneously start ordering about, while smiling in amusement as I abase myself in utter and fabulous humiliation, stripped to bra and panties. Alas.

Talking later with my sister about some particularly awful things going on in her life, I was struck by the sensible attitude of the Leather people. To quote the Incredible String Band: " Maya Maya.. All the world is but a play..be thou a joyful player....

All the world is the Goddess' lila. Mahamaya. I am not a transvestite, or a transsexual, or a bisexual fetishist. I play at them, as I once played at being a husband and a father.

For all you who are into shoe play, image of Devi Kroell creation from Shoe Goddess website

Housecleaning

Living in a house with a former lover and planning to sell it, throwing things out, is a task that can easily eat up a weekend. And the little things that lurk in corners and crannies emerge again. Abhijnana, the sanskrit refers to the tokens of remembrance, I may not be Krapp, but i have a lot of crap, notebooks from former lives and forgotten lives, so it is that a notebook casually opened, reveals a diary more than 35 years old, and the thoughts of a younger self, all forgotton until the token brings them back.
Thoughts about an ancient lover, before it all became a habit of years, and before it all became dust and ashes. With regard to a once proudly embraced sang froid,

"Is it an honest reaction against love that would mold me or is it impotence, death of honesty, and the hidden vice"

Later the author discretely allows that

"Certain books were disposed of"

Yikes! couldn't those classic works of transgender erotica, Miss High Heels I would guess. http://www.castlekeys.com/library/Pages/misshh.html

even be refered to in private notebooks? Apparently not, and so hiding and throwing out things became the habit of decades until seriouls things got thrown out.

And the notebook has enough bad poetry to fill a girl's school. the best I humbly publish, this gem hidden in drawers for decades finally sees the light of day. A publishing event of note. Perhaps the literati can be drawn to this blog.

I
Amnesic burrowing creature
in tunnels undre cold earth
silently
sing

Need better poetry?

The forgotton self had copied a poem for that long ago lover

"In the void air towards thee
my strained arms are cast
but a sea rolls between us
our different past."

http://www.iment.com/maida/poetry/arnold.htm#parting

lure of chastity II

In some fundamental ways the brahmacarin and the sissy maid have come to chastity by very different paths. The ascetic road to chastity is based upon a renunciation of the sensual. Sensual and particularly sexual gratification are avoided so that the mind may be concentrated upon an eternal and changeless state. in tantric traditions, the sensual is not turned from, but rather sublimated. The devotee does not turn so much as the experience is turned. This later path is said to be riddled with lures and traps by which the devotee is brought low, succombing to the power of Kama, and reduced to a sensualist.
The sissy maid comes to chastity in order to concentrate the submissive mind upon the tasks which must be accomplished, the pleasure and service of the Mistress. Allowed sexual gratification, the maid is said to be intent only on their own pleasure, and then when satisfied turned away in shame or indifference, ready for the next distraction. Chastity with the enforced end to the cycle, concentrates the mind in that state where self gratification begins; in concentration upon the beauty and authority of Mistress. Perhaps our saucy little maid has been lured by Kama to this state of surrender and now they are helpless to undo it. Yet both have opened the gate, to devi's entrance, and do not each on a full moon night lying in their solitary beds felt the tingle and the hum. And that which is beyond words, and which does not reveal itself in pictures, Kameshvari, the Queen of desire. I prostate myself before her and all her manifestations.

The lure of chastity

" Brahmacharya is the basis for the attainment of Kaya Siddhi. Complete celibacy must be observed. This is of paramount importance. By the practice of Yoga the semen becomes transmuted into Ojas-Sakti. The Yogi will have a perfect body. There will be charm and grace in his movements. He can live as long as he likes (Iccha Mrityu). That is the reason why Lord Krishna says to Arjuna: “Tasmat yogee bhava Arjuna—Therefore, become a Yogi, O Arjuna.” "

quote from Swami Sivananda

What do brahmacarya and the CB-3000 have in common. Why is everyone suddenly wild for chastity? Traditionally chastity is said to allow the concentration of powerful energy which allows the chaste brahmacarin to attain new heights of spiritual fulfillment. The sissy maid locked away in his device, does he not also experience the concentration of powerful energy! and what is that energy. If the root of the loss of energy is in the spilling of semen, then the brahmacarin is perhaps subtly transforming to a brahmacarini, by the retention and conversion of semen to something more important and dare I say more feminine. The ejaculating penis concentrates all consciousness upon itself waves of energies expelled. When this ceases, or never was, energy and consciousness are more diffuse, sexual energy is now more feminine. The chaste sissy experiences heightened arousal in his nipples, does he not?

I wouldn't wear a chastity device because it would ruin the feminine look of my panties so important. There is always a let down in subsequent meditation when I succomb and going to far with my feminine imaginings, I make my panties wet. But it seems to me that a female can function as a sexual being without enslavement to the tyranny of the penis. In aspiring to a female ideal, i can practice brahmacarya, while still fully experiencing my body as a sensual and sexual thing.

The sissy stereotype is a tantric ideal, indefinite delay of orgasm concentrating the mind, whether it be on serving the particular female who holds the key or concentrating the mind back into the anima, the female forms that lurk inside, and which are hungry for Devi.

What sissy his male embarassment locked away by a wise Mistress does not experience increased grace and charm in his movements as he swishes his skirts so prettily feeling feminine power.

To some these images and comparisons may seem odious, but to this sissy and tantric practitioner they seem apt, and these parallels worth exploration.

Pressing Buttons

Isn't that what it is about? pre-wired like my friend on the left or dynamically wired. Touch it and I shiver. Rub it and I sigh. At one age it was, touch that.. touch that warm round breast, and the feeling was a thrill and a hunger, which cried out touch more. (step close to my friend and she rises up, Devi, in anger protecting) At another age it is touch my warm round breast, and i .. melt and sigh and want to kiss you. (step away from my friend, and she returns to idleness and the complete indifference of the goose to human concerns) So you get re-wired, by way of a fetish, which is morphed to a fantasy, which evolves into an obsession, which resolves as an identity. boy becomes panty wearing boy becomes sissy boy in dresses, becomes the girl inside the boy who masks the girl. but it is still buttons, pressed, and buttons rubbed, and buttons fingered. Keys are pressed and the sonata is a thousand bouncing babies, the Goddess in Her lila, turning and tranforming us, over and over and over. A cock to a clitty is pretty minor. Do you recognize any of those eggs there?

The Girl Inside

I wonder sometimes: What am I up to sexually? which is not the same question as What am I up for sexually? I no longer masturbate as I once did which was to dress a little, fantazize a little get myself worked up to a point back off back up ... off... save some really exciting story or pictures or thought.. and go up up up.... wheeeeee! I lost the motivation somewhere and just don't do it anymore. I thought for a time that I perhaps suffered from anhedonia.. but my hedonia is perfect now, but i just don't like having one of those things protruding with my fingers all over it and attached to me..i mean dare i say it.. yuck.

It has been years that except when explicitly male mode,

As explained a couple of years ago in my diary

Regarding other aspects… I am practicing a bandha that I think enhances
meditation but I don’t recommend it for you boychicks at home. The penis
is pulled back so that the head fits between the buttocks, the testicles
are taken up into the body cavity, and tight panties are worn so that the front
looks girlish and the position of the penis is secure.. Practice for
days.. May enhance the nada.. who knows

.that i wear my tight panties with my "junk" tucked away, and my panty gusset showing just the slightest swelling, oh joy. then I am happy to touch that..rubbing along the front with just one finger. but it is so sad not to have a vagina, and be able to slip those hungry fingers inside. All you girls out there ...lucky lucky!! but as i rub my poor impenetrable panty gusset, and move my happy fingers back and back, finally I can fell my little clitty nub, so sensitive! Makes me go ohh! makes me squeeze my thighs together without thinking. Makes me want to squeeze myself. and definitely push my my breasts together, encased as they so often are in my satin bra.. my black satin bra!

Imagine me with titties, little firm slightly sore, and oh so trembling titties! pushing at them. just tippy touching the satin that surrounds them. It feels so right to wear a bra when you have little titties. And now I just squeeze and circle with my fingers circle and circle avoid the nipples. and there is such a rush of feeling and such warmth down inside your panties, but not like a boy would feel.

And then let the sounds come out of you, the sound of feminine passion oh a little moan, and can you stand it.. can you really stand it.. because you are going to have to do it.. you must. both fingers simultaneously touch them the little hard hard nubs.. touch your nipples and they are so hard, and well it makes you sigh a sustained moan as it is there a feeling in the vaginal area and spreading over the loins and in the breasts and up the spine and warm in the back of neck... and you let go.

Any girls out there could tell me if I am on the road to a real female orgasm.. tell me tell me.. it doesn't climax and it can be revisited over and over.

Any scholars can tell me if this would disrupt practice of brahmacarya for purposes of increasing prana and attaining higher spiritual states?

I think that all of one's existence can be integrated into spiritual life, where there is love there is light.