You can't blame us

" We didn't know who we were til we got here. We thought we were something else"

Robert Stone in Dog Soldiers

As a heterosexual man with a bit of a fetish for girls stuff, when I go to bed at night and remove my clothes including my girl stuff, and find myself hugging my diminutive but nonetheless very real breasts, and missing my latest bed companion who in the last couple of years has always revealed a little something extra underneath when she takes down her panties. I gotta say to Mr Stone... Wow... too true!

He was talking about Vietnam and unpleasant revelations of self. Me .. well.. I am not so horrified by what I have become so much as .... chagrined. I mean Whats up with that? It's one thing to always be the last to know, when we are talking about where the party is. But to be so ... shall we say mis-informed about one's true self... well that can be a little chagrin-ing.

I recently was delighted to see that Bea, the Raymond Chandler of feminization fantasies has begun a blog, and re-established a central place for her stories.

I am of the age and type where stories.. vividly rendered sexual fantasies, were important in satisfying the needs that remained unfulfilled when i pursued my normal boy loves girl dating life. Miss Bea didn't write those stories like Miss High Heels! but later when I came upon her wonderful stories I found myself returning to them again and again... A vivid fantasy reveals something of who we are I suppose, and so those stories of males..slowly but inevitably feminized by wonderful dominant Women were mirrors to reveal to me a hungry boy with aching loins looking at a dim refliection of what? Or perhaps I am just going on as I will.

For sissy boys like me, those stories were hot hot hot.

But don't take my word for it. If your taste runs to forced fem, well put on a clean pair of panties and maybe a pad dear.

http://magselectronics.com/

Try Maid Machiavelli. Imagine if you were David! Would his delicious fate be your own?

Or are you something else?

Standing in the Shadows

Who knows what lurks in the heart?

A long time without posting but for an old girl, I have been managing to stay pretty busy.

I hope to post more regularly in the month's coming to explore the mysteries of gender and desire. This is a short post which merely presents a felicitous and rare event. I believe I managed to capture my Jungian shadow on a purely digital medium without Kirlian or other exotic technologies, simply a Canon Powershot. That saucy maid could only be me and yet surely not me.

i wish i were in love again

Or do i?

In recent times, I have taken up a number of relationships in the context of being trans, and particularly in the context of being kinky trans. So at the current time, I belong to a poly family which means I am submissive to a dominant lady, and a dominant Tgirl. These are sort of casual relationships, which involve sex in the form of play. I should like to talk about poly, in the coming weeks since poly is very interesting, and in polyland polypeople have a whole lot of different ideas about love. Related to the poly is the sissygurl that i introduced into the family. Now she is someone that i have more of a traditional relationship with, if your idea of traditional is a bunch of boys who act like girls. That is a relationship worthy of a posting as well, so I will do that in the weeks to come as well. It is my second such relationship, and having a boyfriend, even if the boy is a trans, is something that i still have some trouble understanding, because i was never gay, and hardly bi, and now in my dotage, I haven't had a girlfriend in a while, and I have slept with a number of gurlz, who i tend to enjoy the way girls enjoy boys. Well if i say anymore, i will blush! so i will save that for a later entry. Finally, i have a bit of a vanilla relationship with a woman who i recently went on vacation with, and what is it that is so familiar? Oh right, she is my ex-wife, and I live with her! but recently we have been moving towards trying out some sexual play which we have avoided, but that is for later too.

The key is that none of these relationships is the sense of the song.

There are no sleepless nights, no endless fights, though perhaps the faint aroma of performing seals at times.

so i realize in deep in my poor bruised psyche, i wish i were a girl of an earlier generation, a femme frilly girl when it wasn't a retro choice, or a pastime. and if i were, a girl of my mother's generation, then surely i would love to hear Frank Sinatra sing I Wish I Were in Love Again.

But there is wisdom seeing the young lovers, chasing shadows, chasing tail, chasing their own tails, it is easy to feel sorry for them. I have wisdom, and know the limitations of earthly desire, or am i simply old. and did i mention that one of my relationships is with one of those poor young shadow chasers?

Lets Play. Did Anyone Bring a Ball?

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.... Well maybe.. but I kind of think it is something else. Perhaps an urgency... an inflation, followed by a twitch, a suddenness. Something bottled, something trapped, looking for a path. senses narrowed, and narrowing oneself, coming to a point, a pinnacle, a pulsation, Thar She blows! I never really fit into it, my wagging puppy dog tail. No urgency...

Just the facts... masturbation to completion... 17 ? 18? opening the hydrant on a summers night, getting your honey all wet and wild? 22.

Yikes! how many honeys had there been by then? patient girls... bless them all. So... hmm not a normal boy... but strictly heterosexual in his panties, and a good thing too, because it wouldn't do really, I mean it was frowned upon. Except the summer everyone turned gay in old new york. but not moi... no fantasies.. no urgency in that way.

Sugar and spice... well hardly... it is more an expansion than a narrowing... more zones, better zones... and witnessing an urgency being a source of urgency... playing with it... touching it.. tasting it, enclosing it. and this well certainly not a normal girl. realizing the sensations in my nipples... 30+... and the rest...well... really it is more like last week,

so it is a parlour trick really... see the hair grow!, see the chest grow! and making things disappear! where did that pesky puppy dog tail go? And who misplaced the balls. Now how are we going to play? I hate that when a girl says that. Don't you?

But more and more I realize she has a point.

Among the Leather People II

I spent a weekend among the leather people. It was in some ways amazing to go to a big event with my dominant lady friend, who helped me dress like a um mature gothic schoolgirl slut, and i the only tranny in sight. oh well. The leather people were as always friendly and polite. A learning experience for me, part of the exploratorium. Some of the things that went on...well ..honey i saw some crazy shit! I mean.. fire play.. what does one make of that? Well first you need the key as was explained to me at the event.. When we say play we mean pain. OH! Why didn't you say so? Fire pain.. well of course. moving hot fiery thing up and down some willing souls naked body. removes all the hair.. better than a bikini wax. Of course it does seem to turn you a little pink. No fire play for belinda dears and no needle play and i dont' anticipate any electro play..though I maybe could be convinced otherwise. Of course there was lots of lovely bondage and sensual spanking, and some sexy flogging, and some carnal caning. Now that I can understand! especially with your panties pulled down or right off, and in front of everyone! so many eager onlookers. I mean there has to be some consequence for misbehavior..or is that a cause for misbehavior?

Driving home at the end of the multiday event, i experienced opthalmic migraine. That is whirlygigs and zigglyzags in sight, and entopic.. (they move with your eye).. I thought perhaps some brain event on the horizon, and was glad that the shadow of mortality didn't cause me to panic. It ends one day, and we don't get to pick which, (unless we are very naughty). Same for everyone. My goal is to encounter that single day event with calm and acceptance. But anyway opthalmic migraine as the new crutch (see previous post) iphone informed me is common and benign in almost all cases,, and is particularly common among the feminine persuasion and linked to hormonal cycles.. (see previous post) Oh Joy! I must to bed, i have the vapors!

So there is still plenty of time to learn if not to grow.

Full Moons, Pheromones, and I Phones

The full moon occurs on new years eve, and I realized it was coming this morning when i woke up with such powerful femme feelings, a need to touch my swelling breasts, and imagine myself all woman. I love the idea of having a secret cycle which peaks at the full moon, and that it has a reality of its own now, though at one time I consciously cultivated the concept. Woman may not agree, but i feel it is so wonderful to have a cycle, and so I seem to have developed one though it is not so much about fertility, as my feminine sexuality, and also my meditative consciousness. My peak meditation experiences occur around the time of the full moon as well, and of course that makes sense because i chant the pancadaza, the 15 verses, which are the name of Tripura Sundari who is embodied in and rules over the full moon, which contains the 15 Nityas, + Tripura Sundari, on the sixteenth day of the waxing moon, the sixteenth day, the day of the full moon.

see http://www.astrojyoti.com/lunarphasesandthenityadevis.htm for a concise description.

And then there are hormones. Of course, i am a male who takes estrogen, so I don't experience the holy cycle of hormonal changes, rather I just am on hormones, day after day. And I of course love my hormones, and what they do to me, part of my secret self, which is both in the world and out of it. I imagine, and sometimes it seems to me that all that estrogen..well you can smell it can't you? I mean that old gentleman sitting there at the bar, or the coffee shop. Isn't there something about him? something incongruous, and yet.. something... appealing. I have always loved the smell of women, and imagine it works below consciousness, the kingdom of the olfactory. I find ..well it is a little embarassing, but I know a few people, men if you must know, who seem to respond to me, in a way that is almost inappropriate, and I don't think they are particularly gay, nor is the interaction in any way overt, but well maybe it is just me, who can say.

Well ok let me ask my I-Phone Or rather my magic eight ball app. SIGNS POINT TO YES Well part of my journey has been one into fancy, and i the analytic one, the rational one. I don't mind the eight ball's dismissal. After all, the ringtone says "I am he, as you are me." but that can't be! I am she! WITHOUT A DOUBT. That's better. The I-Phone is my Xmas present from my daughters, and well i was never an acolyte at the altar of Apple but.. I love the I-Phone! Who knew? it isn't really a phone that is the secret. It knows where you are, and where the closest pizza is at all times? The Bhagavad Gita and Rg Veda, in Sanskrit no less are there for reference whenever I am in a contemplative mood, and soon it will be telling me what birds surround me, wherever i am, and playing their sweet songs for me. All that and I have only had it a week. Should i download Dress Up and Makeup? or Girl Wars That is listed for Girls only. At any rate the possibilites are endless, of course with a phone full of fab girly apps I will probably need to explore phone security. If it falls into the wrong hands? gasp! i would be mortified.

If only the I-Phone could smell. I think we could have quite a relationship.

The Simple Life

I recently had the occasion to spend a whole weekend as a maid, specifically as a sissymaid in training. It was the first time I had spent any time as a sissy maid, and i certainly went all in, spending from friday to sunday dressed every waking moment in frilly maid outfit, obeying various Mistresses, and generally trying to make myself useful, and pretty.

This is an experience I have generally approached as a sexual fantasy. I have done a lot of perusal of the ummm literature you might say. Simultaneous orgasm is when reader and story reach climax at the same time. But being a sissy maid isn't really like that at all. I mean it is a social role rather than a sexual role for the most part, and most of the time a sissy maid is well..just a maid! "Where is my wine glass?" and off i go perhaps wiggling a bit, but off on my mission. Find Mistress's wine glass, or fill Mistress"s water glass, or lay out Mistress's clothes or make Mistress's bed. Lots of little chores, cheerfully performed, dressed in fabulous satin with the cutest accessories. I mean you are not expected to carry out these duties without apron and cap and petticoats! Well maybe i got carried away with the petticoats! wandering through narrow corridors like a full masted schooner in the backyard pool. Things tend to get knocked over. "Oh clumsy maid!" sheepish look as i turn to see what has happened, and sweep a table full of dishes onto the floor. "Oh i am so sorry Mistress!" just the slightest tingle in anticipation of perhaps being just annoying enough to earn a small demerit and a spank! But the rules of this training are clear. No one is fooled that the maids tremble in fear of over the knee discipline. No the maids tremble in fear of missing out on over the knee discipline, and the Mistress's are not here to pretend otherwise. It is not psychodrama, more just PBS drama with the staff, (that's me) doing our dainty things, while more weighty matters are discussed over table or in the drawing room.

So why did I enjoy this so? Like the song says.. Gimme the simple life! I will grant you that 20 years as a domestic servant may not be the most fulfilling life, though I don't think that there is any element there that prevents living a fully realized life. There is time to meditate in the morning before the Ladies are astir, and of course the opportunity for mindful practice is very alive when doing "women's work" And when you spend what is a few days as a maid, well it can only be described as wonderful! Not that I would admit that to the other guys at the bar watching football and spilling beer, but...well i was a very good girl all weekend, and i earned every stroke that i got on my eager and welcoming bottom. Eat your heart out honey!