Lets Play. Did Anyone Bring a Ball?

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.... Well maybe.. but I kind of think it is something else. Perhaps an urgency... an inflation, followed by a twitch, a suddenness. Something bottled, something trapped, looking for a path. senses narrowed, and narrowing oneself, coming to a point, a pinnacle, a pulsation, Thar She blows! I never really fit into it, my wagging puppy dog tail. No urgency...

Just the facts... masturbation to completion... 17 ? 18? opening the hydrant on a summers night, getting your honey all wet and wild? 22.

Yikes! how many honeys had there been by then? patient girls... bless them all. So... hmm not a normal boy... but strictly heterosexual in his panties, and a good thing too, because it wouldn't do really, I mean it was frowned upon. Except the summer everyone turned gay in old new york. but not moi... no fantasies.. no urgency in that way.

Sugar and spice... well hardly... it is more an expansion than a narrowing... more zones, better zones... and witnessing an urgency being a source of urgency... playing with it... touching it.. tasting it, enclosing it. and this well certainly not a normal girl. realizing the sensations in my nipples... 30+... and the rest...well... really it is more like last week,

so it is a parlour trick really... see the hair grow!, see the chest grow! and making things disappear! where did that pesky puppy dog tail go? And who misplaced the balls. Now how are we going to play? I hate that when a girl says that. Don't you?

But more and more I realize she has a point.

Among the Leather People II

I spent a weekend among the leather people. It was in some ways amazing to go to a big event with my dominant lady friend, who helped me dress like a um mature gothic schoolgirl slut, and i the only tranny in sight. oh well. The leather people were as always friendly and polite. A learning experience for me, part of the exploratorium. Some of the things that went on...well ..honey i saw some crazy shit! I mean.. fire play.. what does one make of that? Well first you need the key as was explained to me at the event.. When we say play we mean pain. OH! Why didn't you say so? Fire pain.. well of course. moving hot fiery thing up and down some willing souls naked body. removes all the hair.. better than a bikini wax. Of course it does seem to turn you a little pink. No fire play for belinda dears and no needle play and i dont' anticipate any electro play..though I maybe could be convinced otherwise. Of course there was lots of lovely bondage and sensual spanking, and some sexy flogging, and some carnal caning. Now that I can understand! especially with your panties pulled down or right off, and in front of everyone! so many eager onlookers. I mean there has to be some consequence for misbehavior..or is that a cause for misbehavior?

Driving home at the end of the multiday event, i experienced opthalmic migraine. That is whirlygigs and zigglyzags in sight, and entopic.. (they move with your eye).. I thought perhaps some brain event on the horizon, and was glad that the shadow of mortality didn't cause me to panic. It ends one day, and we don't get to pick which, (unless we are very naughty). Same for everyone. My goal is to encounter that single day event with calm and acceptance. But anyway opthalmic migraine as the new crutch (see previous post) iphone informed me is common and benign in almost all cases,, and is particularly common among the feminine persuasion and linked to hormonal cycles.. (see previous post) Oh Joy! I must to bed, i have the vapors!

So there is still plenty of time to learn if not to grow.

Full Moons, Pheromones, and I Phones

The full moon occurs on new years eve, and I realized it was coming this morning when i woke up with such powerful femme feelings, a need to touch my swelling breasts, and imagine myself all woman. I love the idea of having a secret cycle which peaks at the full moon, and that it has a reality of its own now, though at one time I consciously cultivated the concept. Woman may not agree, but i feel it is so wonderful to have a cycle, and so I seem to have developed one though it is not so much about fertility, as my feminine sexuality, and also my meditative consciousness. My peak meditation experiences occur around the time of the full moon as well, and of course that makes sense because i chant the pancadaza, the 15 verses, which are the name of Tripura Sundari who is embodied in and rules over the full moon, which contains the 15 Nityas, + Tripura Sundari, on the sixteenth day of the waxing moon, the sixteenth day, the day of the full moon.

see http://www.astrojyoti.com/lunarphasesandthenityadevis.htm for a concise description.

And then there are hormones. Of course, i am a male who takes estrogen, so I don't experience the holy cycle of hormonal changes, rather I just am on hormones, day after day. And I of course love my hormones, and what they do to me, part of my secret self, which is both in the world and out of it. I imagine, and sometimes it seems to me that all that estrogen..well you can smell it can't you? I mean that old gentleman sitting there at the bar, or the coffee shop. Isn't there something about him? something incongruous, and yet.. something... appealing. I have always loved the smell of women, and imagine it works below consciousness, the kingdom of the olfactory. I find ..well it is a little embarassing, but I know a few people, men if you must know, who seem to respond to me, in a way that is almost inappropriate, and I don't think they are particularly gay, nor is the interaction in any way overt, but well maybe it is just me, who can say.

Well ok let me ask my I-Phone Or rather my magic eight ball app. SIGNS POINT TO YES Well part of my journey has been one into fancy, and i the analytic one, the rational one. I don't mind the eight ball's dismissal. After all, the ringtone says "I am he, as you are me." but that can't be! I am she! WITHOUT A DOUBT. That's better. The I-Phone is my Xmas present from my daughters, and well i was never an acolyte at the altar of Apple but.. I love the I-Phone! Who knew? it isn't really a phone that is the secret. It knows where you are, and where the closest pizza is at all times? The Bhagavad Gita and Rg Veda, in Sanskrit no less are there for reference whenever I am in a contemplative mood, and soon it will be telling me what birds surround me, wherever i am, and playing their sweet songs for me. All that and I have only had it a week. Should i download Dress Up and Makeup? or Girl Wars That is listed for Girls only. At any rate the possibilites are endless, of course with a phone full of fab girly apps I will probably need to explore phone security. If it falls into the wrong hands? gasp! i would be mortified.

If only the I-Phone could smell. I think we could have quite a relationship.

The Simple Life

I recently had the occasion to spend a whole weekend as a maid, specifically as a sissymaid in training. It was the first time I had spent any time as a sissy maid, and i certainly went all in, spending from friday to sunday dressed every waking moment in frilly maid outfit, obeying various Mistresses, and generally trying to make myself useful, and pretty.

This is an experience I have generally approached as a sexual fantasy. I have done a lot of perusal of the ummm literature you might say. Simultaneous orgasm is when reader and story reach climax at the same time. But being a sissy maid isn't really like that at all. I mean it is a social role rather than a sexual role for the most part, and most of the time a sissy maid is well..just a maid! "Where is my wine glass?" and off i go perhaps wiggling a bit, but off on my mission. Find Mistress's wine glass, or fill Mistress"s water glass, or lay out Mistress's clothes or make Mistress's bed. Lots of little chores, cheerfully performed, dressed in fabulous satin with the cutest accessories. I mean you are not expected to carry out these duties without apron and cap and petticoats! Well maybe i got carried away with the petticoats! wandering through narrow corridors like a full masted schooner in the backyard pool. Things tend to get knocked over. "Oh clumsy maid!" sheepish look as i turn to see what has happened, and sweep a table full of dishes onto the floor. "Oh i am so sorry Mistress!" just the slightest tingle in anticipation of perhaps being just annoying enough to earn a small demerit and a spank! But the rules of this training are clear. No one is fooled that the maids tremble in fear of over the knee discipline. No the maids tremble in fear of missing out on over the knee discipline, and the Mistress's are not here to pretend otherwise. It is not psychodrama, more just PBS drama with the staff, (that's me) doing our dainty things, while more weighty matters are discussed over table or in the drawing room.

So why did I enjoy this so? Like the song says.. Gimme the simple life! I will grant you that 20 years as a domestic servant may not be the most fulfilling life, though I don't think that there is any element there that prevents living a fully realized life. There is time to meditate in the morning before the Ladies are astir, and of course the opportunity for mindful practice is very alive when doing "women's work" And when you spend what is a few days as a maid, well it can only be described as wonderful! Not that I would admit that to the other guys at the bar watching football and spilling beer, but...well i was a very good girl all weekend, and i earned every stroke that i got on my eager and welcoming bottom. Eat your heart out honey!

Feminized

Hormones. Specifically estrogen. For almost 3 years, I have through the good offices of the global internet market slapped a little patch of pretty on my derriere weekly, and watched the wonderful transformation as my sad male breasts began to blossom and swell. Hidden treasure, unlocked by the chemical key. And what other goodies, were in the treasure chest? I tried recently to do an inventory. The breasts, the slow beard, the little bit of flesh on my scrawny buttocks, maybe a softening of the face, according to someone who has observed me throughout. But what about the mood, what about the mind, the subtleties, the sex!?

The river never slows. Aging, meditation, and estrogen, a lovely way to spend a decade or two. Where one begins, the other ends more or less unknowable. I am calm, opening up, less self involved (o.k. only kidding) , a-himsa-- non-injury, the letting go of aggression, so there is less male aggressiveness, but i can't place it particularly in feminization, though meditation, feminization, they blend together.

What about emotion? A few of the Ladies have laughed at taking hormones, talking about the emotional roller coaster, but i think that emotional roller coasters come with the cycle of hormones, and i take hormones in an a-cyclical manner, though sometimes tuned to the moon cycle, i feel the energy peak at full moon time.

But there is definitely something there that is hard to lasso, I think I look subtley different, and i smell subtly different, and these blessings work a little covert magic. I know that I have acquired an attractiveness for a couple of heterosexual males, that might just be friendliness, but feels likes it has elements of courtship, some lunch friends.

and of course my body feels and smells different to me. The mirror is right there, and we are not playing dress up, and there we are, and we are certainly not very masculine looking with our breasts, and our smoothness of limbs, and desire comes so often so clearly through the chest, the breast, the breath.

In meditation, in quiet moments, energy moves up the spine, and through the chakras. In a sensual mood, energy moves up the spine, and congregates in the chest. If you touch the nipples, then it almost hurts, the feeling that arises and descends into the loins. At that feeling is such a femme feeling, that in imagination, you are transformed, boy no more, fully feminized, without fear (or is it hope) of return.

Is it live or is it memorex? don't know, honey, don't care. It is all there, always was, uncultivated, unrecognized, undermining the tall towers of masculinity. Now She emerges. She is not me, but she includes me. Let's me travel alongside, Queen Estradiol, and i Her devotee.

Boo!

Busy.. busy.. busy.. no time to journal as they say currently. Tons of work and the halloween shopping season to boot. I am the kind of nervous grrll that doesn't just flaunt it day and night. But this halloween, ..an example.. i had a long discussion of shoes and makeup with the charming young woman at the Payless and she helped me try on a bunch.. for my halloween costume. Well I bought three pairs. Everyday is halloween after all.

This halloween I go as Rose a drag queen of the 80's who i was good friends with for a bit in my life. I don't know where Miss Rose is today, though I suppose I could try to look up some of her old film projects, but i imagine that she is no longer with us, being out there wherever there is at a time when it was perhaps better to be in here. But we all have our time and our place, and we all end up shadows, and the more I think about it, I can't imagine that we could be anything more. So insubstantial arising in a moment, coming to know, ascending, filled with self and desires for what seems to have only been a summer, and then slowly slowly ceasing, and that is if we are lucky. But maybe that's just me. We are something more I imagine, it is just that we are something more than we. So time is short, and make-up to look like Rose well that is an effort involving heavy equipment, and ample time. So farewell and happy Halloween to all!

Not Very Cherry

After all the things that were inserted in slot A, who knew that that penii could go there too. And if it is just "toys" and not "boys" does that mean something different? Has something been gained or lost by it. coaxing patient and feminine boy into doing it? It is a bucket list item? But the boy didn't consummate so I think there is still more to be learned.

Hark. I surrendered my not very cherry to a sweet sissy after a couple of mojito's that I fashioned, and a nice dinner that i cooked wearing a vintage apron no less! I mean you have to have the apron, the accessories! He came as a boy, so that was even more exciting for me at this stage, to dress up and make a nice little meal for the boy who was coming over to stay the night, and doing it in vintage apron! That makes me a fetishist i imagine, thinking back to the apron as well as the boy. but i don't care for boys as I may have said. That is my story and I am sticking with it. No worries though because the boy was kind enough to transform into a girl. This story continues I imagine.

I saw that Lee Brewster was acknowledged on the Gender Variance website.

http://zagria.blogspot.com/ . That makes me very happy. More on the moi history. Should I in the interest of full disclosure give a listing of all the things that were inserted in slot A. Well I won't! and that is that! but I will say.. i mean well fruit of course. You have to know if you like that sort of thing, I never thought i did too much. One thing was is not to easy to do without letting your junk all hang out, and you know how this Lady feels about that if you have been reading, so for me.. anal stimulation has always been a sometime thing, at some point a duty.

But I need to think more. Even though I no longer well i don't care so much about orgasms and other such boyish nonsense, I do enjoy the snuggles and the huggles, and i love it when they help me achieve those imaginary orgasms. See previous post