Good Vibrations

" If you are feeling sad and lonely, there's a service I can render"

A continuing interest of mine has been to experience sexual feelings and orgasm in a female way. I wrote a few blog entries sometime back on the subject.

Imaginary Vagina

Imaginary Vagina II

The Girl Inside

and since then with a little help from a new friend, I have made some good progress. My friend is none other than the Lelo , a space age vibrator, and I would like to discuss our experiences together in my next post. Those experiences caused me to try to learn a little about the history and uses of the vibrator, and what i found out fascinated me.

In medicine for hundreds of years, peaking in the 19th century, there has been a nervous condition diagnosed in women. It was called hysteria named after the greek word for hystera for womb. There were a lot of vague symptoms and it was linked to sexual problems. Most interestingly the physicians of the 19th century, boldly going where none had gone before, determined that massage and manipulation of the vagina even to orgasm was shall we say.. "just what the doctor ordered". It was in the context of this treatment regimen that the vibrator was invented. All that manual labor was wearing physicians out, and hysteria became more and more common. So the solution was the vibrator.. and nothing has been the same since!

Vibrators are very common in the night tables and under the pillows of the fair sex. So I have come to understand that they are essential tools in the quest for the female orgasm. I have learned a technique which includes Kegel movements, and proper placement of miss lelo, that I believe allows someone like myself to experience sexual feelings in much the same way as a genuine genetic girl can. These priceless techniques i shall reveal in my next posting. It may be a week or more though. I am so worked up that I need a vacation. Key West here i come.

Will I be packing my vibrator?

Now what do you think?

Purgatory

There is a phenomenon well known to those of us who have been involved in the tranny lifestyle. At some point, a crossdresser either comes to their senses, or completely loses them, and decides to jettison all of their girly stuff. This phenomenon can be understood from the dynamic of transgender development. A typical m-f transgender person, is wandering around in the body of a boy. They grow up with their parents and the wider culture treating them as a boy, expecting them to be a boy, finally expecting them to be a man. Willfully or helplessly they keep secrets of a different order. God/Mom/Dad/Siblings/Pals/Employers/Girlfriends/Wifes/.... expect you to play the part. Only the dog appears to be indifferent. So every once in a while, when the moon is full, the shadow life can appear as... well .... a curse .. to see ourselves as others see us. Horrified, we run screaming into the night.

I myself, know this phenomenon more at second hand, having heard it described a number of times. My own experience was different. When I was young, i would jerk off while wearing a few things from my sorry collection, and immediately remove them, like it was all slightly distasteful. But I lost that tendency a long time ago, and I just never was a full blown purger. I have panties that could probably go in the Smithsonian. Don't make that face! They are clean and put away. I also have a Liberty Bell replica that i got in 1958 in Philadelphia.

So imagine my surprise when a friend and a the person I most played with in recent times, decided to purge, and in effect purged me!

A quick email to that effect, and that was that. Its rude. I have had plenty of people break up with me. I have had marriages end, so I have experienced the break up, but the email breakup... well that is rude! At least I got an email, the poor panties probably just got thrown out.

T-girls and their narcissism. Now that's something I could write about, if there weren't so many things I need to write about myself. An update on the quest for the female orgasm to come in the next few days.

SCARY MONSTERS

"O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us"

Or maybe not Mr Burns

So to see others as we see ourselves, or more specifically to assume others see us as we see ourselves, then this is the anti-giftie. In my own case, I have suffered from no small measure of it. It allowed me to live a sort of double life, over the decades. And double lives can be double trouble. So who is the Scary Monster?.... BOO!
But more specifically thinking about my experience with scary monsters, has caused me to understand that indeed I have been one.

I had the most unfortunate experience of having a friend, a male friend, a best friend, closer than close over a 30+ year span. We were pod peas thinking each other's thoughts it seemed, bound by common intellectual interests, common sense's of humor, and finally scads of common experiences. And within a span of a few years we fell unalterably out of each others affections; From BFF to FU.

The scary monster who lurked in the secret rooms of my friend's mansion was angry resentment. There turned out to be nothing slight about slights. In those dim rooms was an angry avenger with a shiny code of honor. Daylight however when it finally came revealed a petty minded coward with an acid tongue.

So who was i who hid so long from the world?

It is an interesting question what constitutes prudent discretion in intimate relationships and what constitutes secretive betrayal. And blame and punishment is to be apportioned, then a question that still has currency.



There wasn't much of a monster. Belinda is universally thought to be cute and cuddly! Today the youths seem untroubled by the gender-fucked. They hang it all out on Facebook. " Companionable Monster seeks same", and it is all happily ever after.
I grew up in different times. Depraved because I was deprived. There was Hot Hell for deviants, and Kraft Ebbing if you wanted to "understand" just how fucked you were. Like Jessica Hahn I offer no excuses, only explanations. And of course to the injured party who will probably never read this, I was smitten, and could find no place that was without shadows.
Mea Culpa3

You Say You Want a Resolution?

"He not busy being born is busy dying"

It's All Right Ma by Bob Dylan

The obvious interpretation of this scripture is that unless you continue to grow you will decay. A more subtle interpretation has lately been troubling me, that there are two conditions becoming and unbecoming. For most of us, we put a lot of chips on the square "being". This would be unfortunate, if nothing really is, and it is all becoming and unbecoming.

Last night I attended a small t-girl discussion group. I have participated in these discussions for years now, at a Lady friend who is a strong supporter of the transgendered community, and so most of the participants on this particular night were friends, with a few new faces. One topic was, what was the mistake in your life that you learned the most from. And the number one answer is... drum roll..... my (first , second, ... ) marriage. I would concur, having learned that hiding my "hobbies" doesn't make them or the issues that go with them go away.

Another question was .. "What is the big regret in your life?" With this group, not surprisingly the answer was not being born a girl, or not stepping out sooner, or not doing something about those pesky male parts when i was young. Again I would concur, at least regarding stepping out. I mean let's face it: The yound me would just look so much better in a red minidress than i do. But that leads me back to the premise. You cannot be something.. only become or unbecome something. And so to ask what do you regret not becoming.. as if you would somehow be that now.. is incorrect. The question is always the same... what do you want to become... so start to become it, before everything we call you has "un-become".

So for me there is the last new year's resolution I will ever make;

To live this year as if it is my last, and if it ain't .. well then try it again. Repeat as necessary.

And that means one thing..the operation!

That's right I am finally going to get my ears pierced! and i might even get my hair colored.. (une poquito)

Because, I refuse to regret not having become a physicist, I am becoming one, ..and so.. my gender model in the realm of becoming / unbecoming.. is the harmonic oscillation.. (no sluts.. not the harmonic osculation ) better known as hopelessly gender confused.

or as i prefer Hermaphrodite.

Unbecoming male .. becoming female... unbecoming female... becoming male.. ... Now that when occuring in the absence of friction is eternal.

"Shive ShaktyA yukto yadi bhavati saktah prabhavitum....

Season's Greetings from the DemiMonde

When one has a social life which has a significant component of leisure activities with BDSM people, and crossdresser's of every stripe and ruffle, then the holiday's are experienced like you were the "other woman" again and again and again. Many of my closest acquaintances have another life in what is usually called the vanilla world as do I. (And what flavor is this world? tutti frutti?) So come the holidays, everyone disappears, only to re-appear in January with all new outfits!
"Come on. I know your wife didn't give you that. Shopping for dresses again under cover of Christmas?"

And so to all the orphans out there, the penthouse mistresses, the girls who just put their the weekend wardrobes in the back of the closet. Have a very Merry Christmas, and hope to see you in the New Year.

Ten Signs You are No Longer a Casual Crossdresser

"Everything was fine until they crossed the Macon County Line"

---- promotion for movie of the same name

As a service to the community,

Are you wondering whether your proclivities and obsessions for the female appearance and the female role have reached a tipping point? If so, look at the ten signs below. If you recognize yourself in more than 4 of the signs, then you can be assured that you are no longer a casual crossdresser. You have seriously crossed over sweety, and you might as well stock up on the Dr. Scholls, because those heels are going to punish your feet.

Here they are

1) You can't remember where your tool box is. Your garter belts are in the second drawer of the dresser in the spare room.

2) Its Christmas and the catalogs are coming in. Your mailbox resembles that of a french whore house.

3 ) You couldn't name a single network program. but have seen every episode of Say Yes to the Dress? Friday Night, TLC

4) You no longer have a few articles of female clothing, in fact it has been a while since a majority of your clothes were male. If your wardrobe was an ecology, and if your togs were species, then I believe the word used is supplanted.

5) The waitress at the diner says " thank you sir" You check the mirror. Have I messed up? No silly you are in male mode.

6) You think of yourself as in male mode.

7) A couple of women in the office are talking about the Sex and the City dresses how great Vivian Westwood's dresses are. You want to blurt out, What about Alexander McQueen?

8) It is Christmas, when its safe to shop for clothes in the department stores. You still take advantage of that, but this time you bought 3 bras, and they didn't ask you if you wanted them gift wrapped.

9) You missed the football games last sunday, because there was a luncheon party , and you were seen in that ecru silk dress. I mean it is not only silk, it is beaded. bugle beads!

10) That lovely young woman sitting across from you. You still wish you could see through that blouse.... and check out the tag. Is that Forever 21 or Charlotte Russe?

These are events collected from my own and the lives of a few friends.

They know who they are.

Leela

"Put on a gown that touches the ground

"Float on a river forever and ever" "

Pink Floyd

And why does Devi choose to cause a universe of befuddlement, a universe that includes gender confused along with all those other poor confused souls etc.   The devotees of the Goddess say  Leela, sanskrit for playful enjoyment.  I love that concept.    the religion of my fathers was one where we asked, why did God make us.... and were diligently drilled in the answer,

"God made us to show forth his goodness, and to share with us his everlasting happiness in heaven. " but actually in the day to day... it seemed more like a trial.. and the consequences of disappointing Him...well... they were sort of extreme.

So on the chinese menu of religion I choose one from column B... Leela.

It is just the loveliest idea. And I think if I can align my issues with the grand play MahaLeela

And what better way than a gown that touches the ground. It worked for Emily.