Transitions

someone's got it in for me.....Bob Dylan  Idiot Wind

When a moth, the size of a bat,  the Luna Moth shows up outside your cabin,  Bob's immortal words ring true.  Especially when the Great Crested Flycatcher, suddenly drops dead out of the sky, practically on top of you,  for the sake of accuracy two, but who is counting.  because as I sit here now in boy mode,  someone has it in for me,  and I think I know who it is.
I am two weeks into therapy.  I have told all my children now, and it has been very gratifying that each of them, there are four, (two who have known a while and two who i just told) expressed their fullest support " I just want you to be happy, being the clear refrain.  I guess I have always considered "transitioning"  to involve a fair amount of blood,  (surgery)  but it turns out that isnt what it is at all, and I am transitioning from the deep closet where I have spent a great deal of time, comfortable time, to the bright sunlight,  You know the one where Icarus met his demise.  See any resemblence between Icarus, and a certain moth?
And what is that demise?   How about this analogy that a friend gave for my present condition.  It is the 15th round Bill and Belinda have been going at it for quite some time.  but the end is near, and it will not be a decision,  one of these fighters goes on, the other KOed.  And everyone is rooting for Belinda, so where does that leave me?
It appears that there is an assumption that two people cannot live in the same body sanely.  But of course they are doing so now, or rather they live today in a state of depression, and anxiety, and I guess the assumption is that the source of that depression and anxiety is that I am two people, in one body.

 Recently, i saw the following quote

Settling may masquerade as practicality, but nothing is worth the erosion of your truest self"
Dr F Emilia Sam
 http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13888/5-telltale-signs-youre-settling-for-less-in-life-love.html

In the context that it was quoted, I thought that it was another jettison your old self, and get a shiny new self, that dresses better but I am exploring another option.

truest implies three, and I have only been thinking about two   bill/belinda  but what if there were a truest self that underlying them both?  After all Eve had three faces, and I am just as screwed up as she.

Then that self would need a name.

Two Faces Have I

will I walk with a smile on my face,  knowing I live a lie   lou christie  Two Faces Have I

Well now i have done it.  Broke my brain!  And you know how much that can cost to repair!  But what can you do? You have to have one, unless you appear on TV or DC.  So it is into the shop for me.

yes indeed a checkup form the neckup, long overdue.

So I am in therapy, like a fish in water.  Why do i say that? Well therapy it turns out is all about me!

Or should I say us?

Bill and Belinda

And that is the crux of the matter.  It had always been about pronouns but I have been concentrating on he/she but maybe it was always me/us.   Let me describe myself

Bill is antisocial, except for a layer of family ties which are tight.  Belinda is social butterfly with a bunch of superficial relationships.  She has few interests except shopping and makeup and hair of course.  She borrows heavily from Bill in this regard,  Because Bill is a bird fancier and an intellectual, though some of these interests overlap, for example, Judith Butler .  Tell the truth she made him read it, but she couldnt make him understand it.  Bill is a fop, or whatever word you want to use for long dyed hair, and lots of jewelry. again there is a reason for it.  You see they share the same body, and Belinda who occupied it later when it was in some dis-repair made some improvements the most substantial one being breasts which I have spoken about a few times on this blog most recently here.  (They also share the same voice, but there is a battle about that).  So when I strip naked and look in a mirror who do I see?

At this point in time, that is the issue, I dont know if it will be when next I write.  After all I spent 65 years, putting myself in this condition.  It will probably take more than an hour of gender counselling to unravel it.

But it has become increasingly evident that something will unravel