Breasts, Bras and Boys

"Mess with the Goods... You Gotta Pay".

 Tattoed Love Boys  

Chrissie Hynde.

( Photo: Ms. Belinda Lee,  Actress,  1935-1961)

Stage 1:  Bra’s … who wears bras?  Bras are for girls.

At first it was the panties.  Always the panties.  It was that way for years.  I only have one older memory of bras.  I was at my Aunt’s house.  I was in her bedroom fully clothed sitting in front of her makeup table.  My Aunt was better endowed than my mother, and I remember sort of half wearing one of her bras.  Suddenly she was right there.   I don’t remember exactly what was said.. It sort of went like this:
1) She knew I was trying on one of her bras,
 2)  I was embarrassed,
 3) We never spoke of it, and life went on.

 I was in my mid-teens.

Even when I began to expand my interests,   nighties,  full slips,  lingerie in general… I never made too much of bras.  My main interest in them at that time was what they were concealing on the girls I knew.

Stage 2:  Filling a bra with nylons for that girlish figure.

So  bras were only a slight interest, when I began  dressing fully, or at least wearing skirts and blouses, and that didn’t really happen until I was married, which is my mid twenties, but even then.. my wife’s bras didn’t fit,  I mostly wore found items, and bras weren't a big part of it. 

So it was really after my first marriage ended that I began to wear bras at  dress up, I had purchased a few at   Lee's Mardi Gras.  I was in my early thirties.. Iwas slowly becoming interested in my own breasts. 

Stage 3:  I wish I had breasts! 

And things  developed from there.   I was in my fifties when I really began to embrace the bra, especially after my second marriage collapsed.  Then I began to acquire bras that fit better,  Underwire bras, that gave me a little extra lift.  The perfect bra?  satin, underwire to give my pathetic titties a little lift, without padding, so that anything brushing over my nipples.. (like my fingers!) felt great.  I began to wear them to bed!  I just felt totally butch if my chest wasn't encased in a sweet satin bra.

That went on for some time,

Stage 4:  I have breasts! And I love my bras. 

It was only in the past five years  that I began to work in earnest to try to fill those satin bra cups.  Herbal concoctions, and finally my friend estrogen.  

Wait some monthes.. some years, and voila… small but respectable titties.. and bras always with my outfits.
No more bras to bed.  Wearing them during the day and evening like a respectable woman, and really nothing.. nothing made me feel more like a woman than a bra.  

Stage 5:  Flashing the Goods

So this week I was invited to a party.  Not normally my kind of party is was a house party for T-girls and men.  Not a XX chromosome pair to be found anywhere.   I have been interested for some time in trying out some flirtatious fun with men.  They have been notably absent from my playlist, if you don't count sissy boys.  

So... I just thought..  corset, sheer silk blouse.. bra?  well no.. how about no bra.  My assets just visible.. my slightly enlarged nipples.. showing through my sheer printed blouse.   That might interest a man.

So I learned a lesson every girl is knows by the time she is 20.  You want to get a boy's attention,  flash him a little decolletage.   It's really true... simple creatures... very simple creatures.. who knew?

At any rate, I know now what it is to be oogled, and I know how forward men can be.   The party was just getting started when he took me into another room with him, and he told me that he had noticed how nice my breasts looked... He wanted a closer look... and well he wanted more... but this isn't that kind of blog.. and I am not that kind of girl.   Well anyway .. this isn't that kind of blog

So my romance with bras has come full circle, and I have learned the virtues of a sheer silk blouse.

Androgyne About Town.

"Ah here's the androgyne! Helen cried as I entered the room".
 Miss High Heels. 1931, privately published, Author unknown.

 Androgyne. A word that has always had a certain fascination since I first encountered it in the quote above. It has been a long slow awakening for me. Fetishist? Transvestite? Transsexual? Should I  finally reject them all and embrace the taunt that Helen had tossed at Denise,  "Androgyne".

Andros and Gynos  , male and female united in a single individual.  In the tantric traditions, the divine androgyne is an ideal form

Called ArdhanarIshvara  (ardha-nari-ishvara;  half - woman - god), the androgynous divinity is worshipped as a union beyond the oppositions of male and female.   Alas in Hindu culture, those who come closest to a physical manifestation of this synthesis, the Hijra, or third gender, MtF transgendered individuals  are not necessarily treated so well.  (Cancel the flight to Delhi)   Prostitution being a common profession, due in part to the usual discrimination against TG individuals one sees in the largely traditional society.

I frequently these days at home dress androgynously.  I wear bra and panties, perhaps woman's slacks, camisole with my modest titties prominent, open shirt over it  very light makeup, if any.  Some rings, necklace,  boy earrings.   My hair is in a pony tail, with a femme flourish, a nice hair attachment or teased out bangs.  femme socks.  Out I dress boy or girl.  Ok  maybe slightly swishy boy, or girl.

This is all on my mind, because I plan to go in a couple of days to a "munch" which I was invited to soemtime ago by a charming woman who recommended the group to me.  A munch is basically a meeting in a diner or something like that where kinky people can come and meet each other in an informal setting.  ( sort of like the school dance for adults)  The munch is in a restaurant during regular business hours, so they request that people not look too outlandish.   She told me that I passed as a woman, so I could attend the munch as one.  (Did I mention that she was utterly charming if not perhaps completely truthful)  But I don't really intend to do that since I have never been to this place, and I am going by myself.
So I thought I would consciously go androgynously, dressing sort of as I dress at home,  effeminate boy/girl.  

I have never really consciously done this, so I am a little nervous,  Its a boy/girl world,  If  in a dress, they call you Maam, and in jeans they call you Sir.   Androgyne?  I guess they will just say Hey You.

And there is one big problem that the androgyne faces, that the ardhanarIshvara never had to confront,

Bathrooms.    There are Boys & Girls rooms ( or perhaps Buoys and Gulls...i live by the shore).  And while there is occasionally the blessed unisex w.c.   There are never specific accommodations for the androgyne, which is to say, I need to choose, and to choose the Lady's room.. well that it only an option for me in full femme mode, and usually I am in a place that I know very well.  I hate  loud noises... screams, police sirens.

So there you have it except for my jacket and my sneakers, I won't likely be wearing a stitch of men's clothing,..... tits, hairdo, jewels .... not fabulous... but certainly not the repellant drab.

 Still  (sigh!!)  it must be the Gents......

Oh the life of the androgyne is filled with humiliations.... but not quite what Denise nee Dennis imagined.

Good Vibrations II : Freeing the Girl Inside

At the very heart of the desire to femulate for some of us, lies the desire to become entirely female, if only perhaps on an imaginative plane .  And what better way to become that, then to have a fine mind stretching, body aching, throat tightening female orgasm, which i shall call an Oh!gasm.   But is it possible?   I have been to the other side, and I bring joyful tidings for all the crossdreamers, femulators,  trans this and trans that transformers.  It is possible.
The secret to the acheiving a female experience of excitement and Oh!gasm is simpler than you would think, and of course it is available on the internet if you know where to look.  But where would I look you ask?
Well girls love to talk, and they don't mind one bit talking about masturbation and even helping out the girl here and there who has been completely head twisted and confused by the orgasmic ideologies of our crass commercial and phallocentric world.   But I am going to spare you all that research  (if you want to be spared it) and lay out the essentials.   It was explained to me by a Lady friend on new years eve a year ago, but for some of us it takes some time to fully understand.

The key is to realize that male and female anatomy are not all that different.
So how do you attain the oh-gasm! that you have been craving?
Simple follow the instructions for girls.... make the proper adjustments where necessary.

Step 1  - (for boys only)  Feminize!

I have been feminizing my sex parts for some time.  In my case,  I as a normal practice tuck my testes up into the place where they descended ( if this is new to you   see this simple explanation. (don't tape) .  The male member is folded over and between the legs, and if you don't have a pair, get a pair of  TIGHT silky panties to hold it all together.  Now you should appear properly feminine down there.
Don't forget your breasts while feminizing.  As my posts make obvious, i have used hormones to feminize my breasts, and that works great!,  but if you haven't, get yourself a sexy bra with underwire so that you can push them up a bit.   Bra and panties are all you need.  Nighties, corsets etc are optional.  Make yourself girly and sexy.

Step 2   Lie in bed and bring a friend...

No not that kind of friend silly,  my new friend miss lelo.  If you don't have a vibrator you are going to need one.  Vibrators are optional for girls, but not for you.  Lie back and begin to fantasize, put yourself in a nice sexy place.  Optional for you and the girls is a dildo.   That is for if you want penetration.  Penetration is not necessary for oh!gasm.  It's optional. I think at least the first few times that you will find it distracting.

Step 3   Set vibrator to low, situate it and turn it on.

Situate it... Here's where you need to experiment for best results.   You have created for yourself an imaginary vagina, by tucking yourself into your sexy panties.  You don't have vaginal lips, but you do have a nice big clitoris down and back, as well as the sensitive regions of the t'aint, and anus.   I don't recommend direct clitoral stimulation.  Situate it somewhere nearby.   Once you turn it on, lie back and feel it.  Your vagina, your thighs, you whole pubic area... see how sexy and turned on they feel.   You are not a boy... You may feel tightening.  It is just blood rushing to your aroused vagina and clitoris... just continue to feel how your arousal is distributed throughout your loins..if it wants to spread up through your stomach and down your legs... let it...feel it..   Do you feel shivery?  You are on the right path.

Step 4  Begin to explore rhythmic contractions

You need to know how to do Kegel exercises.  It is simply exercising the muscles that control urination.  These are the same muscles that control vaginal contractions.  If you need further instruction see internet. You have been practicing haven't you?  Simply contract ..release... contract... release...  lying there with your hands just across you chest ..below your breasts, or down caressing yourself.  You should be feeling pretty good ...starting to.  If you have chosen to use a dildo..you can insert it.. but remember that the vaginal muscles are not the same as the one's in the anus.. Feel the rhythm... You are directing energy in.  Breathing deeply and  bringing more and more into your vagina...feel the sensations enter into you.  You are she.. you are the goal, the end point.. drawing it in.. Do you feel just a little like sighing?  Do you feel a little like panting?   Well do so... Make sweet noises honey.  Feel yourself getting more and more excited...  just pick that control up a notch.

Step 5  Start to improvise... Find what works for you.

You want to continue to build those sensations that you are having with each contraction to a fine crescendo.  In my case, i now call in the heavy artillery, the big guns!  That's right samantha and jennifer.   (no!  not menage a trois..  those are pet names for my titties)   Touching them... and finally touching the nipples... For me, touching the nipples feels like touching my pulsing vagina.. The two are connected somewhere, and as i really start to get.. wriggly and jiggly, my nipples will get so very hard.  At this point I am pretty much.. ready to climb the ladder..  maybe play a little with the position of the vibrator, raise the intensity... immerse myself deeply in fantasy... up up up... and then feel crazy movement and sensation... happening to me.  and then relax and come back down..   Oh!gasm.... not orgasm.

There is no question that starting out, there is a strong likelihood that putting the vibrator on the clitoris, and just raising the level,  just letting yourself go will result in orgasm, sticky panties, and a nap.  This is not the desired goal however.  Having a big orgasm while your penis is confined is fine, but it is just one more way that you can get off as a male.   It will result in the typical male afterglow.." Can you get me a beer honey?"
But if you avoid it, then you will have an Oh!gasm, you will be right as rain, filled with energy... ready to have another!


This is my gift to those whom it may benefit on this fine St. Patrick's Day.

 Slainte.

Good Vibrations

" If you are feeling sad and lonely, there's a service I can render"

A continuing interest of mine has been to experience sexual feelings and orgasm in a female way. I wrote a few blog entries sometime back on the subject.

Imaginary Vagina

Imaginary Vagina II

The Girl Inside

and since then with a little help from a new friend, I have made some good progress. My friend is none other than the Lelo , a space age vibrator, and I would like to discuss our experiences together in my next post. Those experiences caused me to try to learn a little about the history and uses of the vibrator, and what i found out fascinated me.

In medicine for hundreds of years, peaking in the 19th century, there has been a nervous condition diagnosed in women. It was called hysteria named after the greek word for hystera for womb. There were a lot of vague symptoms and it was linked to sexual problems. Most interestingly the physicians of the 19th century, boldly going where none had gone before, determined that massage and manipulation of the vagina even to orgasm was shall we say.. "just what the doctor ordered". It was in the context of this treatment regimen that the vibrator was invented. All that manual labor was wearing physicians out, and hysteria became more and more common. So the solution was the vibrator.. and nothing has been the same since!

Vibrators are very common in the night tables and under the pillows of the fair sex. So I have come to understand that they are essential tools in the quest for the female orgasm. I have learned a technique which includes Kegel movements, and proper placement of miss lelo, that I believe allows someone like myself to experience sexual feelings in much the same way as a genuine genetic girl can. These priceless techniques i shall reveal in my next posting. It may be a week or more though. I am so worked up that I need a vacation. Key West here i come.

Will I be packing my vibrator?

Now what do you think?

Purgatory

There is a phenomenon well known to those of us who have been involved in the tranny lifestyle. At some point, a crossdresser either comes to their senses, or completely loses them, and decides to jettison all of their girly stuff. This phenomenon can be understood from the dynamic of transgender development. A typical m-f transgender person, is wandering around in the body of a boy. They grow up with their parents and the wider culture treating them as a boy, expecting them to be a boy, finally expecting them to be a man. Willfully or helplessly they keep secrets of a different order. God/Mom/Dad/Siblings/Pals/Employers/Girlfriends/Wifes/.... expect you to play the part. Only the dog appears to be indifferent. So every once in a while, when the moon is full, the shadow life can appear as... well .... a curse .. to see ourselves as others see us. Horrified, we run screaming into the night.

I myself, know this phenomenon more at second hand, having heard it described a number of times. My own experience was different. When I was young, i would jerk off while wearing a few things from my sorry collection, and immediately remove them, like it was all slightly distasteful. But I lost that tendency a long time ago, and I just never was a full blown purger. I have panties that could probably go in the Smithsonian. Don't make that face! They are clean and put away. I also have a Liberty Bell replica that i got in 1958 in Philadelphia.

So imagine my surprise when a friend and a the person I most played with in recent times, decided to purge, and in effect purged me!

A quick email to that effect, and that was that. Its rude. I have had plenty of people break up with me. I have had marriages end, so I have experienced the break up, but the email breakup... well that is rude! At least I got an email, the poor panties probably just got thrown out.

T-girls and their narcissism. Now that's something I could write about, if there weren't so many things I need to write about myself. An update on the quest for the female orgasm to come in the next few days.

SCARY MONSTERS

"O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us"

Or maybe not Mr Burns

So to see others as we see ourselves, or more specifically to assume others see us as we see ourselves, then this is the anti-giftie. In my own case, I have suffered from no small measure of it. It allowed me to live a sort of double life, over the decades. And double lives can be double trouble. So who is the Scary Monster?.... BOO!
But more specifically thinking about my experience with scary monsters, has caused me to understand that indeed I have been one.

I had the most unfortunate experience of having a friend, a male friend, a best friend, closer than close over a 30+ year span. We were pod peas thinking each other's thoughts it seemed, bound by common intellectual interests, common sense's of humor, and finally scads of common experiences. And within a span of a few years we fell unalterably out of each others affections; From BFF to FU.

The scary monster who lurked in the secret rooms of my friend's mansion was angry resentment. There turned out to be nothing slight about slights. In those dim rooms was an angry avenger with a shiny code of honor. Daylight however when it finally came revealed a petty minded coward with an acid tongue.

So who was i who hid so long from the world?

It is an interesting question what constitutes prudent discretion in intimate relationships and what constitutes secretive betrayal. And blame and punishment is to be apportioned, then a question that still has currency.



There wasn't much of a monster. Belinda is universally thought to be cute and cuddly! Today the youths seem untroubled by the gender-fucked. They hang it all out on Facebook. " Companionable Monster seeks same", and it is all happily ever after.
I grew up in different times. Depraved because I was deprived. There was Hot Hell for deviants, and Kraft Ebbing if you wanted to "understand" just how fucked you were. Like Jessica Hahn I offer no excuses, only explanations. And of course to the injured party who will probably never read this, I was smitten, and could find no place that was without shadows.
Mea Culpa3

You Say You Want a Resolution?

"He not busy being born is busy dying"

It's All Right Ma by Bob Dylan

The obvious interpretation of this scripture is that unless you continue to grow you will decay. A more subtle interpretation has lately been troubling me, that there are two conditions becoming and unbecoming. For most of us, we put a lot of chips on the square "being". This would be unfortunate, if nothing really is, and it is all becoming and unbecoming.

Last night I attended a small t-girl discussion group. I have participated in these discussions for years now, at a Lady friend who is a strong supporter of the transgendered community, and so most of the participants on this particular night were friends, with a few new faces. One topic was, what was the mistake in your life that you learned the most from. And the number one answer is... drum roll..... my (first , second, ... ) marriage. I would concur, having learned that hiding my "hobbies" doesn't make them or the issues that go with them go away.

Another question was .. "What is the big regret in your life?" With this group, not surprisingly the answer was not being born a girl, or not stepping out sooner, or not doing something about those pesky male parts when i was young. Again I would concur, at least regarding stepping out. I mean let's face it: The yound me would just look so much better in a red minidress than i do. But that leads me back to the premise. You cannot be something.. only become or unbecome something. And so to ask what do you regret not becoming.. as if you would somehow be that now.. is incorrect. The question is always the same... what do you want to become... so start to become it, before everything we call you has "un-become".

So for me there is the last new year's resolution I will ever make;

To live this year as if it is my last, and if it ain't .. well then try it again. Repeat as necessary.

And that means one thing..the operation!

That's right I am finally going to get my ears pierced! and i might even get my hair colored.. (une poquito)

Because, I refuse to regret not having become a physicist, I am becoming one, ..and so.. my gender model in the realm of becoming / unbecoming.. is the harmonic oscillation.. (no sluts.. not the harmonic osculation ) better known as hopelessly gender confused.

or as i prefer Hermaphrodite.

Unbecoming male .. becoming female... unbecoming female... becoming male.. ... Now that when occuring in the absence of friction is eternal.

"Shive ShaktyA yukto yadi bhavati saktah prabhavitum....