Stimulus and Response

Oh it ain't no good unless it hurts just a bit
John Cougar Mellancamp


It wasn't so very long ago that I referred to the people in the BDSM world as as the leather people.  I understood them to be kin in the big kinky family, but I thought of myself as separate.  My interests were in role playing, dominance and submission certainly, but I had no particular interest in the dynamic of pain.  At an event I had heard someone say that play was synonymous with pain, and thought that odd.   That was a couple of years ago, and my own relationship with BDSM has evolved.  More particularly, i have played with others and found that there can be much sensuality in giving and receiving pain in an intimate setting.  A Mistress favored me recently with a play date, involving a cane, and well .. there is no way around it.. canes hurt.  But the sensual way that She caned me, the attention to my body, to my reactions.  Well it was very erotic.  When I remarked following the session that the cane was rather painful when delivered to the back of the legs, she remarked that the ritual we were engaged in was called S&M for a reason.  Well said,  Mistress.
These experiences of pleasure at the end of pain parallel my experiences with avoiding orgasm, or more specifically avoiding ejaculation.  I seldom masturbate to ejaculation, and when i do, it is generally because i let something go too far if you know what i mean.  So being unpartnered at the moment, it is actually quite some time since ...  I fairly frequently engage in activity with vibrators, and other feminine fun, but with discipline that does not end in messiness.   I connect that discipline the pain of denial increasingly with a general increase in my sexual awareness.  I feel more often like a girl sexually... even having girly orgiastic spasms on the beach, as I described in the last post.   I have been trying to eat right and exercise lately, using a device in the basement to sprint until I am exhausted, which is taking longer than the initial 35 seconds thankfully.  Of course running is painful... I deal with it best by attending to something else, but today i noticed that running ...well it just made me feel all sexy... sexed up...  aroused.  Oh my!  Is it the pain that is arousing?   Is it the general arousal associated with my chastity?    At any rate I no longer find myself apart among the leather people.  I am the leather people.
I am off to the ashram for religious renewal for a week or so.    I almost forgot to mention for the record, I went to the hair salon and had my hair bleached.  It took 3 hours!  talk about feeling girly!  I had so much foil in my hair that I was picking up signals from Rigel.  This was the final step in my plan for moderate feminzation.   But more on that upon my return.