Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Stuck in the Middle






“I could not become anything; neither good nor bad; neither a scoundrel nor an honest man; neither a hero nor an insect. And now I am eking out my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything, that only a fool can become something.” 
― Fyodor DostoyevskyNotes from Underground

Can you be?  Stuck in the Middle that is.
I mean it used to be Boy or Girl.
You are what you are,
Lately it is more like Boy or Girl,
Pick one.

I began this blog many years ago concerned that Belinda, a shy girl in a dark closet needed a voice.  Now Belinda has more friends than Bill, and the two share this one skin.   So the way I live my life is to be Belinda with Belinda's friends, and Bill with Bill's friends and family.  But what does that mean?
Clearly I dress differently, and I am told I even speak differently, but that is not so conscious.  Bill can't un-dye Belinda's hair, and frankly he doesn't want to, because Bill is not your normal boy.  Belinda isn't your  normal girl either, but don't tell her, because she is sensitive enough as it is.
And so I am not transitioning, and I am not de-transitioning.   What probably doesn't work for society works for me.  Or at least sometimes I can convince myself it does.
 On the other hand, I understand that the game needs sides, and there is a clock that ticks.  I am not a 20 year old genderqueer, youth calling myself zhe, and gleefully declaring "Fuck the gender binary!"  No I am not that by a long shot.  In fact, I  love the gender binary, or to be specific, I love femininity, and that implies a love of masculinity, though a slight case of gender dysphoria, more a flu than consumption, prevents me from declaring so.
So what does one do, stuck in the middle.   Live openly and honestly, if you can, and remember to put away the white outfits after labor day.










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